Seeking answers, and finding faith

Before I became a Catholic, I led a fairly ordinary life as an independent woman in the secular world. I didn’t see much need for church-going or God’s help unless there was a snowstorm or a personal crisis. I was raised by Christian (Protestant) parents, my Father by Mennonites in the First Evangelical Free Church here in Calgary, and my Mother was raised Baptist. When they divorced, they stopped attending church regularly, and so did I. I was generally relieved to leave the hypocrisy of my upbringing behind and tackle life without much thought to the condition of my soul.

Somewhere in my late 30s, I started noticing one particular question that kept coming up repeatedly: ‘How do I know what ‘right action’ is?’ I began searching for the answer to this question because it seemed to be at the root of both the suffering and the happiness in my life. I desired more happiness and less suffering. I asked more and more people this question and studied different philosophies, trying to understand how humans figure this out. It was fascinating!

Around this time, I also wanted to quit smoking and went into a thrift store and picked up something that I could wear on a necklace to fiddle with when I felt the ‘itch’. It was a silver Miraculous Medal of the Virgin Mary, but of course, I did not know this at the time (I’m still wearing it today).

A few years later, I met a friend in Montana who was a Catholic with a sound intellectual faith, and I asked him a little differently: ‘How do you know you are doing God’s will?’ He told me to write it down, and he would ask his priest on my behalf. The reply I received piqued my interest and appealed to my Protestant roots: ‘It is written on your heart.’

When I returned to Calgary, I looked up the closest parish to my house and contacted St. Joseph’s Parish about RCIA.

Without over simplifying a rather deeply transformative process over several years, today as a Neophyte of one week exactly, I feel quite different from the woman who didn’t see much use for God before. I feel like I belong. 

The tradition of the Catholic Church holds the knowledge that intelligent Christians require to build faith. It succinctly and articulately addresses any and all questions that arise when it comes to inquiry about God. Anything that can not be explained is called a ‘mystery’ and fulfills a just purpose, as it is aptly named. I explain the Catholics to my Protestant kin as God’s scientists, my relatives, of course, are God’s ‘Hippies’! 

I had many questions about God growing up and into adulthood that no one could answer, other than to say that ‘I should pray about it’. So I did, and was confused, and then dropped out. (How does one know what thoughts are mine and which are God’s?) Since becoming a Catholic, I don’t worry about this question as much anymore. I don’t know if that means I have found the answer or the fruits of the Holy Spirit or, if it even matters which?!

I also don’t really care too much about what secular people think anymore. The endless cycles of anxiety and depression driven by superficial pursuits are soul-crushing and stressful. It doesn’t mean I don’t feel that way, it just means I approach reprieve differently now. I read my bibles now (they’ve surprisingly multiplied!) and look forward to attending Mass. I don’t pray for solutions to the problems anymore, rather I think of what gifts from God I could really use to help me see things differently, if it is His will to reveal his plans.

So far, I don’t have any more insight about what God's plans are for certain or His thoughts (Isaiah 55:8). However, I can recognize Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Gentleness, Faithfulness, Modesty, Self-Control, Chastity, and Love all around. 

I’m on the lookout for these graces now. How I feel is less important than before, when it seemed to be all I had to go on. Who I am, my purpose now, and the way in which I live this truth is rooted in something Great and I am not afraid.

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Written by Michelle Thiessen, baptized on Easter Vigil 2024 at St. Joseph's Parish, Calgary