Finding God in the midst of mourning

We have a beautiful special needs daughter who brought new meaning to “joy”.  Hannah never learned to speak our language, but I could feel her love and her enthusiasm every minute I was with her. Hannah completed her earthly ministry in July of 2022 and left me with the biggest hole in my heart. Fortunately, a student and a wonderful friend of mine helped me see that where there is death, there is new life also.

I had been happy in my faith and was not looking for more. But when I attended Mass with my friend I was totally blown away. I could not believe how close I felt to our Lord during the Eucharist. I had thought that Catholic worship was pomp and ceremony, but what I saw and felt was a conduit to my Lord. I could not stay away. I started attending Mass every morning on my way to work. Twenty-four hours seemed like such a long time to wait to come back again.

A year ago, on Holy Thursday, I had accepted an invitation to a banquet at the Petroleum Club. At that time, I had not yet begun RCIA. So, when I accepted the invitation, I did not realize that I would miss the Mass of the Lord’s Supper. During the evening, something told me that I was at the wrong banquet. I got up and ran to my car, drove to St. Mary’s, miraculously found a parking spot and was just on time for the beginning of the Mass. I was not sure why I was there, but when Bishop McGrattan started washing the feet of those who had been chosen, I felt the most overwhelming spiritual sensation and nothing else mattered. It was like a river cascading in my head. At that moment, I knew that I would be baptized the next Easter.

I must admit that my baptism at the Easter Vigil this year was a bit stressful – it was a departure from my past and I was confused and anxious. Now I realize that baptism is not simply an event, it is the beginning of a new life. While I didn’t feel an overwhelming sensation when I was baptized, I have felt a peace that is so beautiful and continuous since then. Something else happened as well – at my first confession. I needed to go, and I thought confession would be miserable with the priest scolding me. I didn’t want to go, and I rehearsed what I would say many times. But it was the most amazing experience – a loving priest understood me and gave me just the guidance I needed (and not what I had expected). 
 
I still feel the same way – every Mass is a spectacular adventure where I get to feel His love. I miss my beautiful Hannah, and I go and say a prayer at her grave each day. I know that “those who sow with tears will reap with shouts of joy” and I look forward to seeing Hannah again. And I am so thankful for my new life. I know that He died that we might live.

Submitted by Mark Anderson, from St. Mary's Cathedral Parish. Photos courtesy of Maria Hernandez.