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In grief and death, Christians turn to God and their community for comfort, support and strength. Regrettably, when grieving the loss of a pregnancy most parents are left in silent isolation with their sorrow. This loss is such a common occurrence that people may not appreciate the depth of the parents’ grief. For those who have experienced it, there is nothing common about the experience. For most women (and men), it is a devastating and painful event.
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The Diocese of Calgary acknowledges this profound loss and seeks to provide much-needed care for grieving parents. It is essential for the church to express our compassion and act in accordance with our teachings about the sanctity of the unborn through our rituals and memorials. We are seeking team members for our Miscarriage & Stillbirth Care Committee to help with this important work. If you feel called to assist with this ministry, please contact the Pastoral Ministry office at 403-218-5521 or email [email protected].
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Below is guidance shared by the committee that may be helpful for grieving parents, their families, and their communities. This resource offers support on caring for your baby's remains, coping with grief and mourning, questions about Baptism, prayers, and ways to support grieving parents.
Caring for your baby's remains
“From the moment of conception, the life of every human being is to be respected in an absolute way (...); his whole being bears the image of the Creator.” (Donum Vitae, Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith, Introduction no. 5.
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What happens to my baby’s remains if I deliver at a hospital in the Calgary Zone?
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We understand that in some cases it may not be possible to find or retrieve the baby’s remains.
What are appropriate ways to inter your Baby's remains?
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Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born, I set you apart; appointed you as a prophet to the nations." Jeremiah 1:5
Coping with grief or mourning
The Calgary Diocese Miscarriage & Stillbirth Care Committee is developing several resources to support grieving parents:
- Miscarriage kits (coming soon)
- Burial kits (coming soon)
- Annual Diocesan Memorial Service for Miscarried and Stillbirth Infants - miscarriageliturgy.ca
- Memorial Card
The question of Baptism
I have called you by name, you are mine.” |
In many instances of early childhood loss there is no possibility to administer the sacrament of Baptism prior to the death of the child. If a child is alive, the child is to be baptized if this is possible (CIC< Can 871). However, when the child has already died, baptism should not be administered, since the sacraments are for the living. What becomes of a child who dies in utero is a profound mystery rooted in the reality of original sin. Jesus’ instruction to baptize, and God’s desire to save all people. The Church’s teaching is very consoling for parents who have had miscarriages or who have suffered the deaths of young children before they were baptized. Paragraph #1261 of the Catechism of the Catholic Church addresses the status of children who die without Baptism: As regards children who have died without Baptism, the Church can only entrust them to the mercy of God, as she does in her funeral rites for them. Indeed the great mercy of God who desires that all men should be saved and Jesus’ tenderness toward children which caused him to say ‘Let them come to me, do not hinder them’ allow us to hope that there is a way of salvation for children who have died without baptism.” CCC#1261
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While Baptism is ordinarily required for salvation, the Church recognizes that God is not bound by His sacraments and can still bring about the salvation of the unbaptized. In this vein, the Church has recognized the desire for Baptism as having the same effects of sacramental Baptism when circumstances prevent the actual administration of the sacrament (CCC 1258-60)
Just as an adult who is invincibly ignorant of the need for Baptism may be saved through an implicit Baptism of desire, even more can we hope that an infant who died without Baptism may be saved. |
St. Bernard of Clairvaux, a Doctor of the Church, said in response to parents asking about the fate of their miscarried child:
Your faith spoke for this child. Baptism for the child was only delayed by time. Your faith suffices. The waters of your womb - were they not the waters of life for this child? Look at your tears. Are they not like the waters of Baptism? Do not fear this. God’s ability to love is greater than our fears. Surrender everything to God.” St. Bernard of Clairvaux |
Read: The Hope of Salvation for Infants Who Die Without Being Baptized (Vatican)
Source: Pregnancy & Early Infant Loss: A Handbook for Parents, Syracuse Diocesan Website. Used with permission.
Source: Pregnancy & Early Infant Loss: A Handbook for Parents, Syracuse Diocesan Website. Used with permission.
Prayers, Saints and Reflections
Our Church prepares rituals and prayers of commendation for our lost ones, including miscarried and stillborn children. A list of available prayers will be shared on this page soon. Below is a list of saints to whom you can seek special intercession for those grieving this profound loss.
Supporting Grieving Parents
Supporting grieving parents through miscarriage and stillbirth is vital, as these losses can deeply isolate them. Knowing what to say—and what not to say—can be a tremendous comfort. Offering practical help like meals or errands, and simply being present, shows you care. Understanding that grief is personal and varied helps set realistic expectations and provides the compassion they need to heal.
Here is a starter list which might help you:
Here is a starter list which might help you:
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What to say
What you can do
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What not to say
What to expect
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“You formed my inmost being; you knit me in my mother’s womb. I praise you, because I am wonderfully made; wonderful are your works! My very self you know. My bones are not hidden from you, When I was being made in secret, fashioned in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw me unformed; in your book all are written down. My days were shaped, before one came to be.
How precious to me are your designs, O God; how vast the sum of them! Were I to count them, they would outnumber the sands; when I complete them, still you are with me.” |