Loved just as I am

As a child, I came to believe that I wasn’t “good enough” to be loved.  I felt unworthy of love and didn’t love myself. 

When I was about nine, I connected with some of the older kids from my school who were often in trouble. I got involved with them as I wanted to be cool, feel good about myself, and fit in. 

When I was about twelve, I stopped attending church. I had very little, if any, understanding of who Jesus was and was influenced by society's negative portrayal of Catholicism. Rejecting the church led me to reject God. I stopped believing in Him and began to feel alone. I wouldn’t allow others to get close to me out of fear of being hurt or rejected. My favourite song at the time had the words "I am a rock, I am an island, and a rock feels no pain." I was that rock that was all alone. I kept up a facade of “toughness” so that others wouldn’t know how vulnerable and afraid I really was. 

Trying to be cool and hanging out with the wrong kids eventually led me to drinking, doing drugs and committing petty crimes. I was 13 years old the first time I got drunk, 14 the first time I tried LSD, and 15 when I began to smoke dope. My teenage years and high school were difficult for me as I continued to suffer from low self-esteem and continued to feel unloved and unworthy of love. I considered suicide on more than one occasion and lived for whatever pleasures I could get for myself, not caring for others, and not caring about myself. 

It was during those years, though, that my mom was growing closer to Jesus through involvement with the Charismatic Renewal. She was often praying for me and tried to tell me about Jesus, but I never gave her the time of day. I was sure she was wrong, and there was no God. I believed the church was full of hypocrites and I didn't want anything to do with it.  

Around that same time, a friend told me he believed in Jesus. I remember thinking that if God were real, I would be able to find that out myself, without anyone telling me what to believe. That was a point of grace in my life. Through mom and my friend’s witnessing for Jesus, a crack had opened in my unbelief. 

I began to think about God from time to time, wondering whether he was real, and I became open to listening to others who spoke about Jesus. It was during that time that I received several ‘signs’ from the Lord, drawing me to believe in Him. There isn’t space here to elaborate on all that the Lord did to help me believe, but I will share one major event. 

​One day, as a young adult, after returning home from work, I lay on my bed, wondering about God's existence. Suddenly, in an instant and from out of nowhere, I felt myself being loved, being treasured, being cherished by someone else, and that someone else was within me.​

I had the strongest sense of that person being ‘in love’ with me. I knew instantly that it was God. It was pure bliss. It was wonderful and amazing, and it was beyond anything I had ever experienced in my life. There are no words to describe adequately what God’s love is like. God allowed me to experience His love and to know beyond a doubt that He existed. 

I immediately began to weep and wept on and off for the better part of that day and for several days following. I probably hadn’t cried for 15 years. I had seen myself as a rock, a rock that wouldn't feel pain. Tears flowed as I reviewed my life, and I was sorry for all the wrong things I had done. I asked God to forgive me. I made a 180-degree turn in my life, knowing that if what I experienced was what it was like to be with God, then I wanted to be with God forever.

​Knowing that God loved and forgave me allowed me to forgive myself and to forgive those who had hurt me. It opened the door for me to love God, myself, and others. I finally came to know that I was accepted and loved just as I was, even as a sinner! 

I no longer needed to “fit in", as I knew I fit in with God. I immediately understood that if God loved me when I was such a sinful person, then He loved everyone else as well. God saved me from a life of hurt and sadness and gave me a happier, fuller life. I am forever grateful for that!  ​

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Written by Peter Worsley for Faithfully.