Jesus, do not let me go

I have procrastinated sharing my testimony. Not because it’s unimportant, but because I know that it is. I’ve started a handful of times, and then I stop because I’ve gone off track, or I’ve said too much or too little, or I don’t know where to go next. So what you are reading now may have grammatical errors or rambling, and it may not contain everything important, but what’s important is that you’re reading it. I come to you as a work in progress, not in perfection.
 
By the amazing grace of God, I was baptized last year on April 19, 2025. This event was a long time coming. From meeting my Catholic husband in my teens, to marriage prep in our 20’s, to our son born in 2020 – God (and my mother-in-law) were working to bring me here. Of course, God was working far before that. When I was conceived in a 13-year-old who had the option of abortion, but chose life (thank you, God). When I was a preteen and panicked because I knew that there was something far bigger than myself, but I couldn’t put a finger on it (and my firm atheistic household couldn’t confirm my feelings). When I was driving home through the mountains, my car almost took me over a cliff (and I knew someone had saved me). When I was severely but quietly struggling with my mental health, I had a plan to end my life, and a pair of headlights changed my actions (my God, you show up in so many ways). God was there, quietly working, quietly calling – waiting.
 
God’s call got me to RCIA the year before I was baptized. I left in February because I couldn’t commit to writing my name in the book to indicate baptism. I was worried about how my mom and my friends would react. I was worried because I didn’t have all the answers. I didn’t know if I truly believed in God. 

I was okay with leaving for a while. It hadn’t felt right and so I floated, trying to see what did. I had already experimented with other religions – when my husband and I started marriage prep, I identified as Buddhist. Then in the summer, I decided “once and for all,” that I was getting off the fence and I was going to live life happily as an agnostic. I wouldn’t go back and forth with anxiety about what to choose, I could be free! … Well, I started RCIA again in September.
 
This time, RCIA was much different. I wasn’t trying to decide if there was a God. I was trying to get to know Him. I was running towards the Eucharist and the Living Water. My consistent prayer was, “Jesus, DO NOT let me go.” I had been back and forth so long that I was worried my motivation would fade yet again, and my doubt would creep back in. Over and over, forcefully and often tearfully, “Jesus, DO NOT let me go.”

A big obstacle I had to overcome was telling everyone in my life that I was leading a new life. Of course, my husband Damien’s family was thrilled, and Damien himself came back to the church. He went to confession and became my sponsor. My family and friends however, reflected the life I lived before. They have different values and perspectives that don’t align with the church. What if I told them and they left? What if I lost my village that I rely on in raising my son as a mostly stay at home mom? What if I tell my loudly atheistic mom and she doesn’t want to talk to me anymore? I had a lot to lose and I chose to risk it.

However, what came back wasn’t anger or abandonment, but love and understanding. I didn’t lose one relationship, but the one change that surprises me the most to this day, is my mom. She has asked me questions out of curiosity, but not one interrogation like I had imagined. She asks about church and even said she would come to a Christmas Eve Mass to watch our son in a choir.

With everyone supporting me, I moved forward. I had my feet washed by Father David, and a few days later, he poured the water over my head to change my life forever. I sobbed through the ceremony from, “Ho, everyone who thirsts, come to the waters;” (Isaiah 55:1) to kneeling after the Eucharist. Kneeling, I heard a loud celebration in my head, “YOU ARE HERE,” over and over again. All I could say back was, “I KNOW! I KNOW!”

In discussions since, I’ve mentioned that I regret not committing earlier. If I had known all that this life would offer, I wish I had gotten here sooner. Yet every time, the person answers: “You got here right when you were supposed to.” I’ve prayed a lot on this: God’s timing. We have been experiencing infertility for almost 2.5 years, and honestly, it’s been one reason that I’ve procrastinated on this testimony. I imagined writing in here – ‘I gave my life to Christ, and we finally conceived!’ While I cannot give you that good news here yet, I can give you this news: God’s timing is never early, it is never late, but it is always on time. And no matter what you are going through – God is still good.

​“Do not fear, only believe.”  Mark 5:36

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Written by Jade Hawkins, Holy Spirit Parish, Calgary.
Image: Google Gemini, Feb 23, 2026.